Letter to my younger self

Dear Jay-anne, 

You are now 38. You've come a long way but why do you still miss your old and young self? That one reel you just watched a few seconds ago about writing a letter to your young self triggered you to write her on this blog while tears streaming down. 

How are you? I am happy you enjoyed grade school to college days. When you reach the 35s, it's not so happy here anymore. You constantly question your decisions in life. I don't know but the ones on the reels, it supposed to be positive yet I ended up more what ifs now. 

What if back in 2013-2014, you gave your your first ex's comeback a chance and eventually agreed to fly with him and live in Canada after college? What could have been your life right now? I know at that time, you no longer love him as a boyfriend and only sees him as a friend since you had the cop as your 3rd and current lover at that time whom you never ended up right now anyway. Remember that the first ex mailed you at your 1st job's office address a box of red roses with a necklace, card and chocolate on your birthday? Your current boyfriend at that time was there at your office when it arrived and you told him that it was from a client. Damn. He was so jealous. Did you know that your first ex already lost his weight and married a pretty girl who works for a cruise ship and now are travelling the world?

Or what if you accepted your aunt's suggestion to study 8 more units for a second course and apply for DepEd after you pass the board exam apart from the Civil Service exam you already passed? What if you chose your weekends of 2015 travelling 2 hours away from the city to finish that second course instead of drinking until 3AM with your bosses on your 2nd job who never regularized you anyway after working with them for almost 5 years?

What if in 2015-2016, you agreed to fly to Dubai and left the 2nd job together with your colleague? You could have skipped and avoided the office politics and drama who ditched you after working so hard for almost 5 years. All of your plans in working for a government office was put to waste. I know you loved that job but wished I could have warned you and picked the OFW path instead.

What if you never entertained that relationship with the cop in the first place, your 3rd boyfriend? Imagine the life you had with him, that's 7 years. Hence it affected your last relationship in 2019 with the Korean American who has the same zodiac sign as that Filipino cop - Cancer. Don't you know that you have a lot of trust issues with men moving forward? And since it was traumatizing for you with the cop, you ended up pushing away, Steve, your 4th and last boyfriend at that time. Yes, his name is Steve. You always thought men are just the same. That they are all just good from the start. What if you moved away to another country in 2020 and get stuck with Steve in pandemic (as if you didn't know there was a global lockdown) like what you both have talked about either in UK or Japan and then have home schooled kids since he works for US Department of Defense? You even told him your worries of might not having to bore kids but he told you he is okay with it after trying all options on surrogacy, invitro and adoption. He was so nice actually since he flies to Philippines to meet you every 1-2 months. If only you trusted him but we do not know.

For now, I wanna hug you because I know how hard life is. Your life changed 360 after your 3rd job. It was not about lovelife but after pandemic, you question your existence and your life's decision-making. Self, you felt stuck in life right? You went lowkey on social media in 2025 since you felt being evil-eyed after posting almost everything of your success. You felt some people wish you to fall and they have been manifesting it. 

I want to warn you about 2023. I know you almost gave up and just be one with the clouds above and the forest but you still trying to live. Everyday is a battle. You heard of your acquaintances suicide and some random people and you know you don't want that idea to get it to you.

Despite the worry of losing career at your peak, you chose yourself and quit the corporate job. I know you have thought about it for a year and now you will start from scratch. You lost what you have built over the years. 

You were once idealistic, go-getter and a jolly person but life humbles you so much. The spark is slowly fading but you trying your best to keep going. For now, I pray you won't lose hope. People say you have come a long way but they never know how you have been doing to be steady. You were once an independent woman yet now you need saving. 

You know you will have two nephews and will give you happiness. They remind you of your younger self and innocence. So pure. You wish to be a kid again, like them. 

Self, your childhood was magnificent. I wish I could protect you from the harsh world. Whenever you are feeling down, you are your own. I wish you and I are bestfriends. I wish you can talk to me and make me feel happy whenever life throws stone at me. I envy you. You don't think about life a lot and just enjoying it. It's so sad here. Wish you can visit me all the time and remind me that everything's gonna be just fine just like you always think. I love you with all my heart. I hope we can meet each other again.