Break-Down

 Hi Blog!

It's a Monday morning. 10:32AM. 

I just paused my song playlist right now and feeling emotional. Whenever I play Billie Eilish's What Was I Made For song, it just makes me cry. Probably because it struck me the most. Maybe I am just going thru something and can never really make me figure out where to start and be happy again. Or just maybe my hormones 'coz I have my monthly visit now on it's 3rd day. 

You know the feeling when it's supposed to be a happy get-together yet you chose to be violent and unpredictable and you just hate why you have to react that way at an age of 38. F*ck. 

Yesterday, I'm supposed to be on a vacation but my emotions caught me. Instead of making fight with everybody, I chose to walk out on my shorts and shirt, picked up my bag and left the place without telling everybody. My anger had me bawling while waiting for the bus in the highway. I kept wiping my tears so nobody can notice me. Good thing the bus isn't full so I sat at a corner without anyone beside me and kept crying coz I was freaking mad. I had worn my black shades and by the window seat, I was wiping as my tears uncontrollably flows. Well, part of is cussing of course and eventually fell asleep on the bus ride and that was 2 hours drive back to the city. 

Now I'm fine but I still give everybody a cold treatment. I will be okay. I hate myself and my attitude. I self-sabotage. Maybe I felt my failure at my career, relationship, weight and even my finances. It probably is my downfall. 

I don't know if I have to blame the heavens above or should we say, it's my karma. F*ck life.